Taking Control of Our Need for Validation


We humans are a bit messed up. It is true. I say this because when we are on that self-development journey and in the world of positive thinking we refuse to look at or even admit that there are behaviours that we have which are not so great. These bits we like to skip over, so today I want to shine a light on an area that I have discovered which I know affects other people. We are self-focused, it's not that we don't care for others or that we don't attempt to do things selflessly, but there is an inherent need to be seen, know, heard and appreciated.

I went to an event recently as an attendee and went to one of the many workshops available which was about confidence and embracing your inner power. The lady who ran it came from a well-known drama school and worked at the highest levels delivering her training and coaching. She was awesome. But! Yep, big but! I came into the workshop around 5 minutes in and knew in an instant that already knew much of what she was speaking about and demonstrating. It was an experiential workshop, very well delivered and the quiet confidence and power that the facilitator was wonderful.

But what do I do? I get to the end of the session and let her know how great it was but then I have to validate myself. I tell her that I'm married to a speaker that 70-80% of what she taught I knew already... but, (side note as I recognise what I'm doing) that it was a good reminder. WHY?? Why did I feel the need to do that?  It's like those times when someone says that they met someone, engaged with a book, went to a place that you have already been too engaged with or met. What do you do? You tell them all that you know about it and how much you engaged with it, the back story of how you met, how long you've known about said thing or person and completely take over the conversation.

Many of us are guilty of this and in all honesty, if someone told us that we did this then we would be astonished and deny that we did. It's not us, it's not who we are... unfortunately, it is.

This need for validation crops up all over the place and it usually happens when we are not doing what we should be doing and we've lost our way. The only validation that we need is our own. We don't need it from other people and when we do get it from them we should be just gracious about it and move on.

Next time someone tells you something and you know the back story or about the book or the person or whatever else, please, shut up and let the other person speak. Let them take centre stage in their own story and don't usurp them. A little "Oh yes, I know that (book, person, place, etc,)" is more than enough. It's not about you!

It's time to stop trying to validate ourselves, time to accept ourselves where we are and work on where we want to be.

Have an awesome day being authentically you.